Here's the thing:
In all my years of experience dealing with loss and love, I have learned something.
Love is NOT what they show you in the movies. And it is NOT the powerful emotion that people should do anything for.
To me, love is this:
A knife. It cuts you open and leaves you bleeding once it has done what it came to do. And everytime you look at that scar, or smell anything that reminds you of it, or hear a song that brings you back to that time, the wound spreads wide open again.
So why, if this is the result, do we still always want to have someone to love us for who we are?
Does anyone actually do that?
In movies, we see a girl who meets a boy. At first, girl hates boy, but then something draws them together to work for a common goal. In the mean time, boy falls for girl and vice versa. Then, a tragic incident happens that brings the two closer than ever. They kiss and it's the most magical thing anyone's ever seen! And then they live happily ever after and have no problems once the movie is done.
What is NOT shown is:
Boy ditches girl. Boy breaks up with girl online and tells her he cares about her a lot. Girl cries in bed for months and months wondering what could have happened if she had just kept her mouth shut! Boy tries to be friends, but Girl is too upset to try. Boy tells girl "I hate you". Girl realizes she should have been friends. Girl pursues boy consistently because she loves him. Boy refuses to let her back in. Boy says bad things about Girl. Girl says bad things about boy, but does not mean them. Girl feels the most vulnerable she's ever been. But she still loves him. Boy moves on. Girl watches from the bleachers as boy kisses new girl.
WHY ARE WE SO STUPID?!
Why does this happen over, and over, and over again? Why can't we just fall in love once and be done with it? Many people know what this feels like. Myself included.
To feel so useless. Like you need to escape, but have nowhere to go. No matter how hard you try, nothing you have done can be corrected. And no matter how much you try, they will never see how much you love them.
Does this honestly sound like something worth fighting for?
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There was a time when I would fight adamantly that it IS worth it, but at this point I'm beginning to doubt it myself. Why commit yourself to something that will just end up the same way, no matter what you do?
ReplyDeleteI don't know. Maybe its time for a break. Maybe a lifelong break. If you've got love, fight for it. If you want love, fight for it. But first figure out if its really what you want in the first place.